Johnny's Toy Solider Page 2

  Feeling bold, reckless, drunk, hell, maybe all three, I took the leap like I did at the party. I kissed him again and felt him cave under my kiss. The heat between our bodies wasn’t imagined, because the room grew hotter. I deepened my kiss and suddenly felt his hand pressing me away, tearing my mouth away from his.

  “We can’t,” he repeated, weakly at first, then more resolute. “We can’t, Johnny. This is wrong.”

  “How are you certain it’s wrong? The way your body reacted tells me it’s not.”

  I took a step towards him, but Josh drew back so I halted, seeing the grim resolution in his eyes. This wasn’t going anywhere. Not tonight, perhaps not ever. The thought was a depressing one, but I accepted my defeat.

  Later, in the shower, I heard the bang of the front door and froze. Unexplainable fear gripped me. Rational thought escaped me. Josh was gone. Some part of me knew it. Without thinking, I scrambled out of the shower, picking bits and pieces of clothing along the way.

  In the living room, all the drawers containing Josh’s clothes gaped open. Josh’s army-issued duffel bag containing most of his important possessions was gone. I ran out of the apartment and into the cold night. Punching his number on my cell phone yielded no response. Frantically, I looked at both sides of the darkened and empty street.

  Seeing Josh’s familiar outline under a nearby streetlight, I ran towards his fleeing figure as if my life depended on it. A flash of yellow caught my eye, and it was followed by the sound of squealing wheels. A cab. He was hailing a cab and if he got one there was no way I’d catch up with him. Josh could be gone in a matter of seconds. He could head to the train station and easily disappear from my life.

  “Josh! Don’t go!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, repeating the words over and over again until they carried through the night.

  Finally he turned, his expression one of surprise, and I was close enough to see there was relief there. He wasn’t lost to me yet.

  “Don’t go, please.” I wheezed and panted, nearly collapsing into him.

  He grabbed my arm easily, waiting until I caught my breath.

  “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.”

  “Johnny, you’ve been more than good to me, but I’m harmful to you, to your life.” The cabbie honked his horn, but we both ignored him.

  “You’re not harmful,” I insisted, grabbing his arm and not letting go. Touching him assured him he hadn’t left me, like Eli had.

  Josh blew out a breath. “Give me one good reason why I should stay.”

  There was no hesitation in my voice. “Because I need you. We need each other. Josh, please. I don’t think I can do this without you.”

  The last words seemed to get through to him. He gave the cabbie an apology and the heavy weight in my chest lifted a little.

  “Where were you going?” I asked later, after he put back his things.

  “Honestly?” Josh ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t have a clue. Running off was a childish and reckless decision, and I’m really sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, although it wasn’t. Not one bit, but at least Josh was where I wanted and needed him to be. I wanted to feel him against me again, to have our bodies touching, rubbing, creating sparks, but I stayed put. I’m terrified of scaring him again.

  We eased back into our Saturday night routine, as if the events just minutes ago hadn’t happened. Josh popped another one of Eli’s and his favorite movies in and we make microwave popcorn. This time though, we sat as far as possible from each other on the couch, although our need to touch seemed so palpable, it was laughable how we were trying to keep away.

  “Take care of him, little bro, because I no longer can.”

  Oh, God. It was now the reverse. By inviting Josh into my life, Eli had unknowingly turned everything upside down. When had I become so starved for touch, for Josh? I didn’t know. Since he’d moved in with me, I stopped imagining a life without him.

  Was I—were we—doomed to exist in the same space, unable to acknowledge our attraction for each other?

  Chapter Four

  Months Later

  “How did your interview go?” I asked, sliding into the booth opposite Josh.

  It’s after lunch and Cherry’s, the town’s only diner, was practically empty. I pretended to look at the plastic menu with interest, although I knew the twenty-eight items listed by heart. Cherry’s had become our favorite place for breakfast and dinner because neither of us knew how to cook.

  “I don’t think it went so well.” Josh tugged at his lopsided tie irritably. He looked discomforted by my question, as if he was afraid of giving me the same answer he’d been giving over the past few weeks. I pushed anyway.

  “Yeah?”

  There were days when I came home from work and saw Josh staring blankly out the apartment windows, transported to a time and place I could never reach. Was he still thinking of Eli? Even though we’d talked about it so many times together and with a therapist, Josh still blamed himself, and it hurt me to see him like this.

  Josh pushed the menu I’m reading down gently and finally forced me to look at him. It struck me that he looks strikingly handsome in his cheap suit. His blazer was folded impeccably beside him and the sleeve on his left side was folded up his bicep, while his empty right sleeve hung limply. A tiny surge of pride filled me at the sight.

  In the beginning, Josh had been angry and frustrated about doing everything one-handed, even simple things like opening a door. He was also embarrassed to be seen in public without a jacket on, but he’d moved past that.

  Josh has come so far. All he needs is a little more push.

  Josh cleared his throat. “Listen, Johnny. I really appreciate all you’ve done for me, but I can’t keep relying on you forever. I’ve talked to my CO about jobs for disabled soldiers and he says there’s some options— ”

  “What the fuck are you saying?” I interrupted, suddenly so angry I could barely see straight. “You’ve gotten sick of living with me, is that it?”

  I’m prepared to leave in a huff, but Josh’s hand dug into my wrist. “Sit the hell down, Johnny. We’re not done talking.”

  The firm and sudden authority in Josh’s voice shocked me, and so did the clarity in his eyes. He was usually so distant, so disinterested in the reality in front of him, he could barely hold a proper conversation. But here he was, arguing with me. I sat back down, staring at him, wondering who the hell this stranger was.

  “Please,” he added. “With you taking more shifts at the garage, we haven’t really had the chance to talk.”

  “Fine. You want to talk? Then talk.” I crossed my arms, looking at him.

  The scar on his jaw twitched and I was suddenly tempted to reach across the table and run my finger over it. My memory flew backward to that miserable welcome home party. I remembered, with vivid clarity, the way unexplainable tension and heat rolled out of our bodies, and I remembered, most of all, that single damning kiss. That kiss had started everything for me, but if I hadn’t kissed him, would our paths have gone differently?

  “You’re so damn hot-headed sometimes. Just like Eli,” Josh injected, then fell silent for a moment, biting his lip.

  The mention of Eli inevitably summoned weeks of pent-up shame and apprehension between us. After I kissed him the second time and he almost left, the tension between us only spiraled. Often, when I lay in bed, I kept thinking there was only a single hallway separating me from Josh. That kiss changed things between us, creating a screaming vortex of unspeakable need.

  Always, that single vulnerable moment taunted and tormented me, even though it was a thousand ways wrong. Josh was hurting bad, and so was I. Was it really so wrong that we sought each other out for comfort?

  I’ve always seen Josh as an older brother, as Eli’s best bud, but I had unknowingly crossed that line in my haste to comfort him. It would’ve been much easier if Josh felt nothing for me because my desire could have just sizzled into nothing with the passing of t
ime. But looking at Josh was like looking at a reflection of myself. We were two cursed souls, close enough to feel but unable to touch each other.

  Josh tried again. “You’ve helped me back on my feet, Johnny, and I’m really grateful. Hell, without you, I don’t think I’d still be alive.”

  “You were a fucking mess,” I agreed, unsure where this conversation was heading.

  If Josh wanted to leave, then shouldn’t I be happy for him?

  He got his shit back together as a functional human being and there was no further reason for him to stay, but a monstrous part of me prayed he wouldn’t leave. I told him I needed him. Wasn’t that enough?

  Fuck. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “I was,” Josh admitted. A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. “But it’s time for me to move on. I used to be decent with my hands and I thought I could take a job in town to help you with the bills, but I’m useless, Johnny. All I was ever good at was following orders and being a soldier. Even though you hate the uniform, it’s a piece of me, just as much as any body part.”

  “You weren’t even a good soldier. You couldn’t even protect one fucking person,” I said coldly before I could stop myself.

  Shit. I didn’t want this to escalate to an argument.

  Josh flinched, as if an invisible blow struck him. “You’re right.”

  There’s a dam of unsaid words festering between us. I didn’t even know where to start, but I tried. “No. I’m sorry, Josh. Sometimes anger gets the better of me. We’ve gone over this, remember? Sorry for being such an asshole. I just don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay.”

  The last words choked the very breath out of me.

  Josh halted, his eyes searching mine. He clutched the saltshaker so tightly, I was afraid it was going to crack. “What we have can’t go on forever. You have a life of your own to lead. The last thing you need is a cripple to weigh you down.”

  “Stop making useless excuses, Josh. You aren’t weighing me down, and what kind of life do I have? A meaningless one, that’s what. I’m sick of all the pity glances given to me by the people I used to call my friends. None of them understand.” I looked Josh and in the eye. “You know what your real problem is?”

  He narrowed his eyes. “What?”

  “You’re scared shitless. We both are, of what we can’t admit we both want.” I leaned forward. “Tell me this is going nowhere, Josh. Convince me what we feel is just fucking manufactured by circumstances and I’ll back away. I’ll help you find a new apartment this instant and we can remain friends.”

  Josh shook his head, looking suddenly exhausted. “This isn’t right.”

  “You’ve sung that song before and it won’t fly a second time. Besides, how are you certain it isn’t right?” I demanded. Often, I backed away when our arguments escalated to this point, but I no longer held myself back. This time, I knew if I didn’t act, he would really leave. “We’ve been stuck in the past for several months, Josh, but you’re right. We have to move forward and forward could mean us living our lives together. Take the plunge and let’s see.”

  Conflicted emotions ran across his features, so I patiently waited.

  “Ready to order, gentlemen?” the waitress asked.

  “No. We changed our minds,” Josh answered, sliding out of the booth.

  I blinked, looking up at the stranger standing in front of me. Hard resolve replaced the haunted look in his eyes. This time, Josh offered me a hand and I took it.

  ****

  Our clothes fell off in a hurry once the door to our apartment slammed shut. There was no longer a place for drawn-out debates and arguments. We’d run out of words and excuses. Months of pent-up tension threatened to spill over, and we’re reduced to panting and eager animals. We didn’t speak for a while. We simply let our hands say what we couldn’t yet voice.

  For a one-armed soldier, Josh was surprisingly adept at taking off all my clothes. When I stood bared and naked in front of him, I felt the weight of his eyes on me and it sent a shiver down my spine.

  He growled when I tugged at his shirt.

  “I want to see you,” I said.

  Josh complied, watching me all the while as I unbuttoned his shirt. I placed my mouth on each inch of flesh I unveiled. Underneath my wet and heated mouth, Josh’s skin tasted unbelievably good. A combination of salty and sweet, just like I’ve always imagined.

  He groaned when I captured one of his nipples. I sunk just the right amount of teeth in for him to feel the bite.

  He fisted my hair and I licked and sucked my way down his hard planes, my hands busily exploring and roaming the well-traveled roadmap that was his body. Buried beneath black ink were rough abrasions and old scars, the marks and stories of his triumphs and his losses. And I intended to trace each of them with my tongue and mouth, hoping they would bring me closer to Josh.

  I hooked my fingers into his jeans, but my breath froze when I caught sight of my brother’s name inked in intricate letters right over Josh’s right abdomen. I reached out to trace the letters, but strangely, my heart didn’t scream betrayal. Josh grew still, not saying a word as I kissed the ink.

  “Eli would’ve wanted this,” I said. “He would’ve wanted us to take care of each other now that he’s gone.”

  Josh cupped my cheek with his rough hand and I leaned into him for a few seconds.

  “I think you’re right,” he finally said. “He always reminded me to take good care of you if anything happened to him.”

  “Sounds like the overprotective bastard,” I murmured.

  Kneeling in front of Josh, I pressed one hand over the visible bulge in his jeans. It didn’t escape me that our positions were now reversed from the party months ago. The only difference was Josh. He’s not a broken toy soldier, but a man well on his way to recovery. Eli would’ve been proud of him. Of us, and how far we’ve come.

  Unzipping Josh’s jeans and pulling them down his hips, I realized we’re not two men hastily sating our hunger. Guilt wouldn’t weigh down on us after this because this wouldn’t be just a one-time fling.

  We’re two lonely souls brought together by Eli’s death. Even though I might have initially been Eli’s replacement to Josh, I knew from the way Josh looked at me that I was no longer just my brother’s ghost.

  Spearing his fingers through my hair, Josh pulled me close. His cock, thick, erect and curving upwards, begged for my attention. I curled my fingers over the base, applying some pressure to his balls with a fingernail. Hearing Josh’s groan of contentment, I eagerly licked the pre-cum gathered at his tip and swept it down his length. Josh’s fingers tightened as I vigorously began to lick, savoring the taste of him.

  “Josh, you taste so good,” I murmured, licking my lips.

  “Fuck, Johnny. I don’t think I’m going to last long. Take me in your sweet mouth,” Josh commanded.

  Complying, I slid his length between my lips. Carefully applying suction to every inch I covered, I felt Josh moaning and rumbling in satisfaction. Unused to his size, I nearly gagged, but I continued until his cock head hit the back of my throat.

  I withdrew slowly and once he was out of my mouth, Josh took control. I yielded, opening my mouth as he pressed himself into my waiting hole again. His thrusts grew urgent, gaining momentum, and I knew he was close. My own prick was hard and I reached down to pump it with one hand while Josh fucked my mouth.

  “I’m coming, Johnny.” Josh quickly drew out of me.

  “Come in my mouth. I want to taste you,” I said, rewarded by the sight of his strained smile.

  He guided my mouth back into position, let out a shuddering sound, and exploded. Strings of his thick hot cum filled my mouth. I couldn’t contain it all and some dribbled down my chin and chest. I fell back onto my heels, watching him, continuing to fist myself, knowing I was close. Josh sank in front of me, his eyes uncommonly bright and playful.

  “Lie back on the floor,” he said.

  I obeyed, and Josh gently pushed m
y hand away from my member. Then he pressed his hand against my thigh and his warm velvet mouth began to sheath my cock. Tongues of heat sizzled from my center and spread to the rest of me. I moaned my frustration. My fingers closed over his hair to urge him on.

  “I’m close,” I managed, whimpering when he withdrew his mouth, only to dive in again. I gasped when he withdrew and my orgasm took hold of me. Waves of pleasure assaulted me, making my entire body shudder.

  “Oh, fuck, that was good.”

  After months of fantasizing and taking care of myself under my sheets or in the bathroom, it really was good to finally let it all out.

  Josh rubbed at my thigh, his eyes dark and heavy with desire. “I’m far from done with you, Johnny. Seeing you come is making me damn horny again.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  My gaze slipped from his handsome face down to his hardening member. His fingers moved down my thigh to finger the puckered ring of my ass. I shuddered in anticipation.

  “Do you want this in you?” His finger began to circle the opening, and when I felt his fingernail press against the flesh, I groaned. “I want to hear you say it.”

  “You want to hear me beg you to fuck me?” That was all he wanted? “Fine. Fuck me, Josh. I want to feel you inside me.”

  Just hearing the words from my lips sent an unexplainable thrill down my spine.

  “Wait here while I get the condom and lube.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I told his retreating back. From this angle, I saw the firm muscled line of his back and it made my mouth water. I couldn’t wait to feel Josh pounding his way into me.

  I’ve had my share of men and women throughout the years, but none of them lasted. For as long as I could remember, I’ve never really been interested in a serious relationship. The thought of sharing space with anyone besides my brother seemed abhorrent to me. But after Josh moved in, the thought of him leaving me to this empty space, with just the memories of Eli, terrified me completely.

  Fond memories with Eli watching football in the living room while having a dinner of macaroni and cheese were mixed with unexpectedly good times watching action and B-rate monster movies with Josh. Without knowing why, there were days Eli’s death would suddenly weigh down on me during work, and the only thing capable of pulling me through was the thought of seeing Josh’s quiet smile when I got back to home.